So, I liked this guy, Shannon. Yes, his name is Shannon, and he's a male. His last name is even funnier, but I wont post that on here, as it is probably a privacy issue. Well, Shannon works for my dad, so he in a way works for me. He's divorced, has a kid, and is 31 years old. So, obviously it was a bad idea to like him in the first place. I get that. Well I finally get the balls to tell him, and I'm rejected, of course. He says he likes the single life, and that his job makes dating hard, and it isn't fair for the woman. I get that, I do. Well, my friend Ginger was talking to him the other night, and he, in fact, is seeing someone. So, he lied to me. I don't understand that. Why lie? It probably would've made me feel better if he would've said that he was seeing someone. It wouldn't have felt like such a big rejection, you know? Anyways, so I'm pissed as hell at him, mainly because I made myself vulnerable when I told him how I felt (Which I never do. I NEVER make myself vulnerable) and he fucked me over by lying to me. But that's cool, whatever.
So, on the day I told him that I liked him/he rejected me, I decided to go out with a friend from high school. We got a little hot and heavy. No sex, but definitely way too close. For those who don't know my history, I was raped. For some reason that has fucked me up, and I have lost my ability to say no. So, I said yes. We didn't have sex because the condom ripped (Thank God) and so when he was taking me home, I told him that I didn;t want to have sex until he knew me better. That was cool, but we were supposed to hang out on Saturday, and he never called me. So, my feelings are that, since he won't be getting any, that he's decided that he doesn't want me. That makes me feel great.
I am so glad that all guys want from me is my body. No one wants to get to know my mind.. my heart. My trust is extremely hard earned, and in order for me to have sex, there needs to be a monumental amount of trust, probably even love. I have been violated, and I am already incredibly uncomfortable in my body, and I want someone to understand that. I want someone to understand that sex is a big deal for me. I've never once enjoyed it, even when I agreed to have it, because I just can't say no. I want someone to know me- all of me- and love me anyways. I want someone who will take the time to get to know my past, someone who will learn why I hurt, and why I'm broken, and why a relationship is such a fucking big deal to me. Is that really so much to ask? Maybe it is. I dont want a fling. I don't want a one night stand. I want a relationship. I want someone that I could marry. I know that people my age don't usually think about marriage, but I want to date guys that I can see myself with long-term. I don't want casual. I want commitment. I don't know. I really don't fucking know.
I know I'm a lot to handle. I'm fucked up, neurotic, delusional, somewhat paranoid, and can get crazy at times. I have a terrible temper, and I'm hard to love. However, I love as hard as I fight. I am loyal, and good, and giving in my relationships. I don't know what else a guy would want. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too fat. Maybe it's my scars. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or maybe I am just... me, and nobody wants who I am.
It hurts. I want someone to love. I want to be loved. I want happiness with another. I've been single for years, and I want something new. I don't know.