Monday, September 27, 2010
So, on the day I told him that I liked him/he rejected me, I decided to go out with a friend from high school. We got a little hot and heavy. No sex, but definitely way too close. For those who don't know my history, I was raped. For some reason that has fucked me up, and I have lost my ability to say no. So, I said yes. We didn't have sex because the condom ripped (Thank God) and so when he was taking me home, I told him that I didn;t want to have sex until he knew me better. That was cool, but we were supposed to hang out on Saturday, and he never called me. So, my feelings are that, since he won't be getting any, that he's decided that he doesn't want me. That makes me feel great.
I am so glad that all guys want from me is my body. No one wants to get to know my mind.. my heart. My trust is extremely hard earned, and in order for me to have sex, there needs to be a monumental amount of trust, probably even love. I have been violated, and I am already incredibly uncomfortable in my body, and I want someone to understand that. I want someone to understand that sex is a big deal for me. I've never once enjoyed it, even when I agreed to have it, because I just can't say no. I want someone to know me- all of me- and love me anyways. I want someone who will take the time to get to know my past, someone who will learn why I hurt, and why I'm broken, and why a relationship is such a fucking big deal to me. Is that really so much to ask? Maybe it is. I dont want a fling. I don't want a one night stand. I want a relationship. I want someone that I could marry. I know that people my age don't usually think about marriage, but I want to date guys that I can see myself with long-term. I don't want casual. I want commitment. I don't know. I really don't fucking know.
I know I'm a lot to handle. I'm fucked up, neurotic, delusional, somewhat paranoid, and can get crazy at times. I have a terrible temper, and I'm hard to love. However, I love as hard as I fight. I am loyal, and good, and giving in my relationships. I don't know what else a guy would want. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too fat. Maybe it's my scars. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or maybe I am just... me, and nobody wants who I am.
It hurts. I want someone to love. I want to be loved. I want happiness with another. I've been single for years, and I want something new. I don't know.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
This is my Daddy. This picture was taken on my 20th birthday. I was fresh out of treatment, and about to go eat my first (and very scary) mexican food. My dad is the number one man in my life. When I was younger, and sometimes even now, we have hard times. I am just like my dad. I got my intelligence, curly hair, blue eyes, and temper from him. Because we are so similar, tempers sometimes flair, and sometimes it get ugly. However, I love him to death. He's a good man, but sometimes an asshole, lol. He's very good to me. He gave me a job that I love, a roof over my head, and a lot of love along the way. He's my great protector. He will do anything in his power for me to be happy, and I love him a lot.
Challenge 2, Day 3:
Favorite TV show:
This award has to go to Law and Order SVU and House MD. I also love Kate + 8, Cake Boss, Say Yes to the Dress, and most crime shows. :)
Challenge 3, Day 3:
A picture of me and my friends:Look at next post
Friday, September 3, 2010
This picture is like, six years old. My mom looks ridiculous, and I look.. *coughfatcough*. Anyway. It was taken at the beach when I was 14/15, I think. This woman is the light of my life. She has obviously been there with me through everything. From holding me when I was crying about my "friends" ignoring me and treating me like I was unimportant, to my first hospitalization/treatment, my second, third, fourth, fifth, and my last. She has watched me waste away, and come alive again. She loves me more every single day. She tells me I get more and more beautiful each day. She put up with me clinging to her in my illness, and put up with me when I hated her and wanted nothing to do with her when I was a young teenager. I am not an easy person to love, and she has loved me anyway. She has gotten frustrated, tired, angry, scared, worried about me, and felt all alone when I was dying from anorexia. However much she hated me at times, (and let me tell you, she had every right- I was ruining her life) she still wanted only the best for me. She loved me when I couldn't love myself. She prayed for me, and believed in me. She believed with all of her heart that I could get better, even when I was set on dying from my eating disorder. She has encouraged me on my path of recovery, celebrated with me, and held me when I didn't think I couldn't go through another day of this. With my mother's love, I am never alone. No matter how far apart we are- even when I'm 400 miles away, I still feel her love for me, always. I don't think I've ever met another person as sweet and kind as my mother, except maybe her mother. She is so amazing. SO amazing. So beautiful, strong, courageous, and wonderful. She's the best mother I could've asked for. The best mother I could've dreamed of. I love her with every piece of my heart.
Love you Momma :)
Challenge 2, day 2:
Hm... Idk. Probably the first Harry Potter movie. I know, lame.
Challenge 3, day 2:
The meaning behind my blogspot name:
Resmiranda is latin for Wonderful Circumstance. I learned it from a choral song called "There is No Rose of Such Virtue." I think my life is full of wonderful circumstances that make me who I am. Without everything (I mean everything. The good, the bad, and the ugly.) that has happened in my life, I wouldn't be who I am. And I quite like who I am, thank you very much. I love the word Resmiranda, and I love what it means, so that's why I used it.
Day 2: Done. :)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
There are 3 30 day challenges, so I'll do all three first day challenges now:
This is Julie. She is my bestest best friend. We met at the MC reunion summer 09. Julie, Ashley, Kdub and I went to dreamcakes before I had to sing at the summer celebration thing. Julie ended up spending the night at Amanda's with me, and for some reason she loved me. ? :P
She had to leave the next day, so I said goodbye and really never expected to see her again. I mean, I liked her, but you know, I didn't think that we were going to end up being friends, much less best friends. Anyway, she started calling me. And I was like, "What the hell does she want? Why is she calling me?" So I started answering the phone. Mind you, I hate the phone, and Julie wanted to talk to me on it. I especially don't like to talk to people I don't really know on my phone. But, for some reason, Julie persevered. So, me, Amanda, and Melissa went to Fairhope and Mobile to see Julie. There, my friends, is where I fell in best-friend love with Julie Ann! I do believe that we were made for each other. I have never. NEVER. had a better best friend than Julie Withers. She's amazing, kind, loving, and she puts up with my bullshit. She supports me and loves me no matter where I am in my life, in my head, or in my disorder. If I could only have one friend for the rest of my life, it would be her. When I get married, she will be my maid of honor. When I have kids, she'll be their Godmother. Her and Joseph will be Aunt Julie and Uncle Joe. She's everything to me, and I love her more than LIFE itself.
I love you, Julie!
Gah, I have no idea. I really like top forties stuff. I really really like shine down's "45" at the moment.
A recent picture of yourself and 15 random facts.
(Refer to picture of me and Julie)
1. I secretly wear glasses when no one is looking.
2. I am naturally a really suspicious person by nature.
3. I love photography. I'm a pretty good photographer, and I'm always looking for pretty subjects to capture on film.
4. I made first chair in the Tennessee All State Honor Choirs.
5. I am addicted to diet Mountain Dew.
6. I can bend my fingers backwards. Like, you know the top joints of your fingers? I can bend mine the opposite way of how they are supposed to bend.
7. It's really hard for me to go out/party/whatever. I'm a definite homebody/introvert.
8. I'm really shy. Bet you didn't guess that one.
9. I love the spanish language, and when I was practicing it, my least favorite teacher told me I had no english accent when I spoke. That was quite a compliment, seeing as she hated me.
10. I really miss school. I miss learning.
11. History and geography are my favorite subjects, and math is my least favorite subject.
12. I like being creative. Scrapbooking, singing, drawing, photography, acting, whatever. It's how my brain works.
13. I have the best parents in the world. My mom is my other best friend, and my dad is such a good dad now that I'm older.
14. I really have no idea what I want to do with my life. I wish I could just go to college and take classes that I want to and get paid for that. That would be nice.
15. I am terribly unique. I've never met anyone like me. Most likely you haven't either. I'm pretty sure that I should send you condolences. :P
Day one: Done.