More about life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and the girl behind the blog.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

So, let's go with the notion that we are all created in God's image and likeness. I, personally, agree with this notion. So, technically, God is neither man nor woman, right? Right. The Bible speaks of God as a masculine spirit (being, presence, etc.) because of the fact that males were once thought to be the dominant/stronger sex. I state this as a fact, but it's really my opinion. You're reading my note, so you're going to go with me and argue later. Yes. So, if God is neither male nor female, how does he create us (humans) to prefer one sex. Yes, technically we were made to "fit" with the opposite sex, but again: If we are created in the image and likeness of a non-sexed/gendered being, how are we created MENTALLY to desire one sex or/over the other? Is it a preference that is born with us? I believe so, as I personally know no one in the LBGT community who chose to have their sexuality. So, if it is a preference that is born with us (and remember: we're made in the likeness of God,) how is it wrong? This, in my opinion, is not a learned "habit."Anyways, as we're already off to the controversy races, let's continue on...
For those of "us" (and by "us," I really mean "you,") who still believe that homosexuality is a sin, I need to shed some light on the homos-to-hell-brigade. K, so here I am thinking that you should be hit by a bus for being so narrowminded. I'm going to assume that's a sin. Am I going to hell for that "sin?" I can feel badly (not that I do,) for thinking such horrid things, and I might even ask forgiveness (occasionally) for it, but do I keep doing it? Yes. Yes, I do. Or, when I use the word "crap," for instance. Never, in the last 10 years, have I asked forgiveness for using that word. It's probably some form of sin though, so am I going to hell for not repenting? Probably... not. God says that no sin is greater than another. James 2:10 states that "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." So, if you're of the opinion that, say, kissing a chick when you're a chick is a sin, watch yourself. Next time you say "shit" when you stub your toe, I hope hellfire doesn't rain upon you. But, hell, it just might, because all sin is the same, right?
< /anger&frustration >I'm done now.Hate will not be tolerated. If you have any negative/critical thoughts on sexualities that are different than your own, shut up. Thank you.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


As I have no control over who reads this blog,
sensitive topics regarding my personal life will be posted on
This is the only thing that I do not like about blogger.
I cannot control who follows me,
and cannot specify who sees posts.

as I said,
add my live journal for more indepth posts about life.
You must add me as a friend in order to read posts.

So, do it, do it, do it.

If I have random posts about topics not pertaining to my life,
I will post on both sites, so this won't be completely neglected.


Wow - 21.

Twenty one.
I turned twenty one on May 2nd.
At some point,
every person that was close to me-
especially myself,
never thought I'd make it
to twenty one.

Well here I am.
And, quite frankly,
a miracle.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

One thought.

Praying for healing from your eating disorder is very important,
but while God could do it all by himself,
He wants you to meet him half way.

Nothing good in life is free- nor is it easy.
God helps, and God heals,
but YOU must make the effort.

Your life is in YOUR hands.

Freedom is attainable with God's guidance
and you following the guidance He gives you.



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Too Much

I feel like I need to apologise to the world.

I'm too much, yet somehow not enough.

Too crazy.
Too loud.
Too opinionated.
Too needy.
Too annoying.
Too impulsive.
Too unbalanced.
Too moody.
Too flawed.
Too manic.
Too depressive.
Too, too much.

Yet, not enough.
I mess up too much.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not worthy enough.
I'm always causing some issue.
I'm always getting yelled at.
I am broken, and unfixable.
I've been through too much.
I'm not whole.
I'm not enough.

I talk too fast.
I'm completely unreachable.
I'm dissociative.
I get too excited.
I freak out.
I speak before thinking,
act without thinking.
I don't consider options.
I get something in my head,
then completely ignore
the dangers that are involved.
I must do it now.
I must have it now.
I make stupid mistakes.
I'm brilliant,
but unmotivated.
A perpetual underachiever.
I'm just... me.

I feel the need to apologise.
Apologize for being me.
For being this person that is just
too, too much, but not enough.
For being all these things.
For doing all these things.
For making people want to step away.
For being completely intolerable.
For not being able to hold onto something good
before I lose it.
And I do lose it, because of me.
It's me.
It's me, it's me, it's me.

No one sticks around for long. Save Julie, who is a God send and an angel. I eventually push people away. Too much to deal with, they will say to me. You don't make sense, they will say. You are too much (of this), they say. Not enough (of this.)

How do I change this?
I take medicine.
I am religious with it.
But there's only so much medication can do.
I do therapy.
I try.
I try so damn hard to be normal.
To smile.
To hide this ugly part of myself.
Eventually they find out.
Who is "they," you ask.
"They," is anyone.
Everyone who spends more than
a few hours with me.
I try to hide myself.
I try to hide behind the walls I build.
The stone fortress that protects my mind,
and my heart.
But, I let people in.
People who I love.
People who I want so desperately to love me back.
Then they enter,
then they find out who I am.
Who I really am,
and they leave.
Too much.
Too much.
Too much.
They can't handle me.
Too much, they say.

Some are nicer than others.
They step back, and pretend that
they don't notice the craziness
that is my mind.
They don't exactly leave, per say.
More just step back.

There's always distance.
Do I create the distance,
or do they?

There is always a distance
between me
and others.
A thin piece of glass that holds me
just far enough away that I cannot touch them.
That they don't have to touch me.
They can leave.
But my side of the glass is a box.
And I am stuck.
Always alone.
With myself.
Singing with my iPod in one ear.
Trying so hard to pretend that it doesn't hurt.
That this doesn't fucking hurt.
That I am alone, and no one wants to stay.
No one wants to be close enough to hold me.
For me to hold them.

I am good.
I am a good person.
I love harder than anyone I know.
Perhaps because it is always so one-sided.
I love fiercely.
I try to show people how much I love them,
how fiercely,
how deeply I love them,
in hopes that they will return it.
In hopes that someone,
will say,
You're enough.
You're not too much.

You're not too little.
You are wonderful,
and beautiful,
and I love you.
I love you just the way you are.

That's a lost hope.
I am flawed beyond measure.
Broken, as I said.
I hurt others unintentionally.
I hurt myself.

I say,
fuck the world!
I don't care!
Here I am.
Take me or leave me!

I don't care!


I care.
I care too much.
I break every time
someone looks the other way.
they say.

I try so hard.
But, there is nothing.
Nothing I can do.
I can't make people love me.
And it hurts.
It hurts.
And I can't fix it.

Where does the illness end, and where do I begin.
I have this fear, this terrible fear, that this is me.
That this is how I came.
That this is how I'm made.
That there is something
inherently wrong with me.
Wrong with my soul.
My brain.
Medication only does so much.
My mania is less manic.
My depression is less, well, depressing.
But still.
It's too much.

I know it.
I'm too much.
I get it.
I'm not enough.
I don't need you to tell me.
I know.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Can someone please explain this to me?

So, I liked this guy, Shannon. Yes, his name is Shannon, and he's a male. His last name is even funnier, but I wont post that on here, as it is probably a privacy issue. Well, Shannon works for my dad, so he in a way works for me. He's divorced, has a kid, and is 31 years old. So, obviously it was a bad idea to like him in the first place. I get that. Well I finally get the balls to tell him, and I'm rejected, of course. He says he likes the single life, and that his job makes dating hard, and it isn't fair for the woman. I get that, I do. Well, my friend Ginger was talking to him the other night, and he, in fact, is seeing someone. So, he lied to me. I don't understand that. Why lie? It probably would've made me feel better if he would've said that he was seeing someone. It wouldn't have felt like such a big rejection, you know? Anyways, so I'm pissed as hell at him, mainly because I made myself vulnerable when I told him how I felt (Which I never do. I NEVER make myself vulnerable) and he fucked me over by lying to me. But that's cool, whatever.

So, on the day I told him that I liked him/he rejected me, I decided to go out with a friend from high school. We got a little hot and heavy. No sex, but definitely way too close. For those who don't know my history, I was raped. For some reason that has fucked me up, and I have lost my ability to say no. So, I said yes. We didn't have sex because the condom ripped (Thank God) and so when he was taking me home, I told him that I didn;t want to have sex until he knew me better. That was cool, but we were supposed to hang out on Saturday, and he never called me. So, my feelings are that, since he won't be getting any, that he's decided that he doesn't want me. That makes me feel great.

I am so glad that all guys want from me is my body. No one wants to get to know my mind.. my heart. My trust is extremely hard earned, and in order for me to have sex, there needs to be a monumental amount of trust, probably even love. I have been violated, and I am already incredibly uncomfortable in my body, and I want someone to understand that. I want someone to understand that sex is a big deal for me. I've never once enjoyed it, even when I agreed to have it, because I just can't say no. I want someone to know me- all of me- and love me anyways. I want someone who will take the time to get to know my past, someone who will learn why I hurt, and why I'm broken, and why a relationship is such a fucking big deal to me. Is that really so much to ask? Maybe it is. I dont want a fling. I don't want a one night stand. I want a relationship. I want someone that I could marry. I know that people my age don't usually think about marriage, but I want to date guys that I can see myself with long-term. I don't want casual. I want commitment. I don't know. I really don't fucking know.

I know I'm a lot to handle. I'm fucked up, neurotic, delusional, somewhat paranoid, and can get crazy at times. I have a terrible temper, and I'm hard to love. However, I love as hard as I fight. I am loyal, and good, and giving in my relationships. I don't know what else a guy would want. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm too fat. Maybe it's my scars. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or maybe I am just... me, and nobody wants who I am.

It hurts. I want someone to love. I want to be loved. I want happiness with another. I've been single for years, and I want something new. I don't know.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I re-vamped my Youtube channel.

My youtube channel used to be about my struggles. Lots of depressing videos, shit like that. Now, since I'm better (Thank God- without him I would be no where) I want to help others. If anyone has any questions for me, suggestions on topics, whatever, leave a comment here, on youtube, in my pm box on youtube, where ever.