More about life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and the girl behind the blog.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

You have to want it.

Recovery is hard, in case you all haven't noticed. I'm sure you have.

I know about relapse. I've done it, many times, with self harm and with my eating disorder. It's only by the grace of God, and hard work that I have stayed in recovery this time.

There's a profound difference in my recovery this time. What is it? I want it. I want it more than anything I've ever wanted before. I know what freedom- true, complete freedom- feels like.

It's this amazing sense that everything is going to be alright in the end.

It's about the love that I now have for myself.
It's about being able to love others, fiercly, totally, and completely.
It's about eating.
It's about being comfortable in my body at any given time.
It's about not having to know every single detail.
It's about feeling everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
It's about finding myself beautiful, inside and out.
It's about not caring what other people perceive me as.
It's about having fun.
It's about waking up and being reasonably sure that I'm not going to die that day.
It's about wearing a bathing suit and not wrapping a towel around me.
It's about having that one, true best friend.
It's about not having obsessive compulsions.
And it's about living life, not surviving through it.

I want recovery for every one of you. It's made my life so incredibly beautiful and simple.

Recovery is hard. Is it worth it?



1 comment:

  1. staci i love the line, "it's about living life, not surviving through it"

    i can remember being in my eating disorder and just feeling like the day was a success if i got through it without going over X number of calories.

    it wasn't life, it was survival.

    i'm so glad we're living alive now!



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