Wednesday, July 21, 2010
This week has been endlessly amazing. Julie and I had a wonderful time. It's so good to be with my best friend. I cannot believe that I have to leave her :(. It's really hard because she lives so far away, but I'll hopefully see her again this summer. We had a blast. We went to the beach, and the water park. We spent some awesome days booze crusin with Joseph's (Julie's husband) friends. It's the best vacation I've ever had.
I have had some hard times while here. I weighed myself (Yes, you read correctly) and I've gained 6 pounds this week. That, my friends, is hard as hell to hear. We drank a bunch (and by a bunch, I mean like 25-30, each) of smirnoff green apple. We ate. Alot. I feel like a fat pig. I look terrible. I'm definitely out of the range that my dietician set for me.
Now, all my thoughts are on how I can lose this weight. And, they're not healthy ways. I will never purge again, but skipping meals is looking really appealing right now.
Everyone is looking at me weird. I'm sure they all think that I'm fat. None of my jeans fit right now. God, it's miserable.
I'm trying to tell myself that the weight will go away on it's own if I stop drinking 880 calories a day worth of smirnoff and eat normally again. I mean, it has to, right? Suzanne (Dietician) told me that my weight will always go back to it's set point if I lose a little or gain. I just have to eat correctly. Right? Right?!
My anxiety is high right now. I havent weighed this much in over a year.
I just need to breathe.
God is testing me. I know he is. He's testing my recovery and seeing what I'll do.
I want to do the right thing.
I really do.
Well that was a tangent I didn't mean to go on. Anyways, I am so happy I got to spend this time with Julie. I love her to death. She's amazing, and the best friend I've ever had. I am so proud of her. She also has an eating disorder, but she's kicking it's ass. We're kicking ass together, even though it's hard.
I love you Julie! You're amazing, wonderful, beautiful. You're everything to me!