More about life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and the girl behind the blog.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

A woman's body.

Sorry it's been a while. I'm still here lurking, and reading everyone else's post. So here is mine:

The lovely EA wrote about her experience in a clothing store the other day. It was similar to what I've been going through, so I thought I would write about it.

My bras were old. At least one and a half years old. They were streched, dingy, and didn't fit at all. In that year and a half, my weight has fluctuated about 40 pounds. Low before the first tx, to high healthy, to lower (than before first tx) before the second tx, to my body's healthy, natural set point now. Needless to say, my breasts have fluctuated as well.

I've always had breasts that weren't proportionate to my body. Before the anorexia (during the bulimia) when I was overweight, I wore a DD. They were too big for my overweight frame then. Last time I tried a bra on (that I didn't buy), (In the depths of my ED, when I was the smallest I've ever been) I was a 30 B, still rather big for my overly thin body. During that time, I didn't want to look like a woman. I didn't want breasts, I didn't want a period, I wanted to be a girl, not a woman. Yet, thanks to my family's big breast genes, I still had boobs. I hated it, needless to say.

So, 25 pounds later, I went in the store today, and tried on a 30 B, praying that it would fit and I would not have these breasts that I still have trouble accepting. Needless to say, the bra didn't fit anymore.

So, when I went to get a a bigger size, I was highly upset. "I don't want boobs! I hate looking like this!" The 30 B didn't fit in the cup area, and it didn't fit around my body. I was shaken. So, I went and got a 36 C. When I put it on, it fit. I looked in the mirror, and thought, "Damn. I look like a woman."

My body has grown. It has taken it's natural shape, and it's scary sometimes. I haven't looked like this at any point in my life. I've never been this weight in my adolecsent or adult years. Always much higher, or much lower.

The bra looked good though. It was pretty, and my body was pretty in it. Like EA said, I loved myself in the bra.

I have a woman's body. Hips, curves, boobs, and ass. After a battle of 8 years, trying to hide myself by being overweight or underweight, I simply am. I am my perfect size. As long as I treat my body right, it'll never change. I cannot hide in this size. I don't want to hide anymore.

My issues with men have kept me hiding my body, kept me making it undesireable in any way I could. I don't want that now. I want to be able to celebrate my body, even with bigger sized jeans, shirts, and bras. And, so today, with my new fitting bra, and the rest of my clothes that flatter my body, I'll do just that.

Thank you, God for my body.
Thank you for letting it work for me,
even though I abused it so badly.
Thank you for my curves, everything
that makes me a woman.

In Jesus' name,



  1. Your body is beautiful, Staceface. You are beautiful. Your womanly curves are pure and strong. You were made to be seen..not shrink away. While you allow your body to be womanly, your radiance is only illuminated.

    We are women...women of God...not KIDS overtaken by fear and victim mentalities...

    I'm glad I know grown-ass woman ;)


  2. staci-

    i'm following your blog but for some reason, i never came across this post until now.

    it's encouraging and inspiring to know that someone else is dealing with the same things i am.

    thanks for the reminder. so proud of you!




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