Hungry.

My body is healing it's self. I know that's a good thing, yet it's terrifying. The other day I found out that my gag reflex has returned. No, I didn't get sick on purpose. I haven't done that even 1 time this time in recovery (over 5 months). Before all this started (and during the first many years of my illness) I threw up extremely easy. I didn't even have to try. I would cough a few times, and then BAM, I would get sick. During the last couple months of my illness, when I was at my worst, I couldn't get myself to get sick without seriously doing some dangerous stuff. I won't enlighten anyone on my "methods" for obvious reasons. So, the other day, I coughed a few times, and got sick. It was incredibly scary. Because 1) I haven't gotten sick in a long time, and 2) because my eating disorder immediately started talking to me. "Awesome, Staci! You don't even have to try to get sick anymore. Think about how easy it would be to just get rid of that big meal you are going to have tonight." And I was stunned. Nothing sounded better in that moment than to get rid of food and lose some weight. But then I came to my senses, and was scared, because I was temporarily relieved that I could go back and start up again so easily. Then, I replied, "No. Hell no. I could, but I won't. I will not go back there. Sorry to burst your bubble."

I've been having that conversation with my eating disorder for days. Every time I eat, it starts up again. But I won't do it. Not because I can't, because I could, but because I won't.

My hunger cues are back too. I've been ravenous for days, and that's scary. I'm not eating like I should. Too many carbs, not enough of everything else. My mom hasn't been making vegetables for dinner, so I'm not getting enough of that, and I haven't been eating my fruit. The last few days have been hard, because I have this insatiable appetite. I feel like I've gained weight, and that's ALWAYS a bad thing. My mind starts fucking with me when that happens. So, I need to get back on track. I'm not following my meal plan and that's dangerous. Today, I'm finding it incredibly hard to eat breakfast. No one would notice if I just skipped it. However, my eating disorder would notice. If I skip breakfast, it'll be much harder to get back on track for lunch. Nicole used to remind me of that all the time. So, I know what I have to do. I just don't want to do it.

I'll be miserable if I skip breakfast. I'll get shaky and weak and feel dizzy and lose my concentration. I really don't understand how I didn't eat for days when I was sick. I guess I got used to the feeling so much that I didn't even notice it. It's funny (in a not so funny way, of course) how much I notice those symptoms after just skipping one meal when I'm well, but didn't notice them when I was ill. It's like God's little reminder of how bad things can be.

I'll do what I need to do. I've got to, so there's really no question.

Anyways. Yesterday we had my cousin lindsay's 23rd birthday party. Happy birthday Lin! We ate and swam (and by swam I mean we got on floats and tanned). The boys swam around and played football. My brother (James- see below) hit me with the football twice and it really pissed me off! However, I did get a nice tan, and that's always a good thing. I'm as pale as a ghost, and it's nice to have some color, even though my freckles get crazy dark in the sun. I look like one big freckle. Thank you Irish ancestry! Red hair, blue eyes, pale skin and freckles. Unlike 90 percent of the red-haired population, I tan rather nicely if I'm out in the sun long enough. I did wear my bikini, even though I felt extremely fat yesterday. I'm proud of myself. I have a bunch of 1 pieces (thanks to swimming competitively) and tankinis, but I said to hell with it and wore my bikini. I needed sun on my belly anyways.

Anyways, I'm finding recovery rather sucky today. What does that mean? Absolutely nothing, because it happens. Today my motto is "You've gotta do what you've gotta do."



Be healthy today.

Love,

S