More about life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and the girl behind the blog.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Coffee, Cigarettes, and Blogging

Good morning, all.

So, firstly, I want to welcome one of my closest friends to the blogging world. I love you, Amaris! Welcome!

So, I've promised to write in this blog for both accountability and for my mental health. It's always good to get things on "paper." Here it goes!

I've been feeling like shit lately. My muscles and joints have been aching, and my heart's been racing. After a month of this, I decided it was time to go to the doctor. So, yesterday, off I went. I love my nurse that I see. Her name is Mary, and she's young, and a woman (obviously :P) and just all-around awesome. She checked me out, and doesn't know what's wrong. She did some blood tests, and my CBC is normal (Thank you, God!), but the other ones haven't come back yet. So, I left with more questions than answers, but I'm accustomed to that.

So, recovery wise, everything is going pretty well. I have my slips occasionally, but 95% of the time, I'm in full recovery. I find that it's hard to eat most days. I do it, but it's still hard. After 5 months of being in complete recovery, the voices still haven't gone away. It's always, "You're fat," "Why are you wearing that? It makes you look like a (insert huge, fat animal here)," "You could stand to lose a few pounds." I won't lie to you, 9 times out of 10, I believe those stupid voices in my head. Sometimes they're just a whisper, and I can barely hear them. Other times they sound like they have a megaphone and are screaming in my head. I hear that sometimes they never go away. I've accepted that. I hope for the best- that they will go away- but I prepare for something less than the best. Maybe I'll hear them for the rest of my life. I can't control that, but I can control how I react to them. I do that now, for the most part. If you're asking if I never skip a meal, then the answer is "No". I do, some days. I decide in my head that lunch really isn't THAT important, and really, what harm comes from skipping a meal? Normal people do it all the time. The problem is, I'm not normal. Every time I skip a meal, I give a little bit to the eating disorder. I give it something to work with. Luckily, most days when I skip a meal, either my body protests fiercly, or I come to my senses and make it up later in the day. 99% of the time, I still get in what my body needs in the day. Why? Because recovery is so much more important than those stupid voices in my head.

So, today, like most days, I hear the voices in my head. "Why did you eat breakfast, you fat pig?! Now you have to skip lunch or you'll gain 10 pounds!" And to that, I say, "No, I will not gain 10 pounds. Matter of fact, I'll not gain anything. Why? Because my body is stable, and it's at it's set point, and if I eat, I'll maintain, which is exactly what I need." And they reply, "Stable?! Who wants to be STABLE? Who wants to MAINTAIN?! Everyone wants to lose weight. Especially you. Isn't that what your whole life thusfar has been about? You're never happy with your weight. How about this. You can lose just 5 pounds. 5 pounds won't do any damage. Trust me." And, I roll my eyes and say, "Five pounds won't change how I look, but it will throw me right back into my eating disorder, and I don't want that. And! Why would I trust YOU? You ruined my life for 8 years. Trusting you is not an option. You wont win this one, so shut the fuck up!" And, everything is quiet in my head for the moment. They'll start back up when I'm fixing lunch, and I'll have much of the same conversation that happened earlier today.

It's a constant battle in my head- the will to live and the will to die, fighting for control of my body and mind. The attainable and maintainable fighting against the unattainable. Thank God that I find life so much more becoming than death.

For the first time in probably 10 years, yesterday, I thought of death and didn't wish for it. Even in recovery this time around, I would still think of it and say to myself, "Dying wouldn't be so bad." Yesterday, though everything isn't sunshine and rainbows right now, I thought, "Damn, it would suck to leave all of this behind." Life is hard. Recovery is harder. And, yet, I find life to be a grand thing. I've been blessed with having a beautiful, imperfect, amazing, joyful (not always happy, but definitely joyful) life. It's too much to willfully leave behind. It's not my time yet, as God has proven time and time again, saving me from death at the last moment sometimes. But now, when it is my time to go (which I hope will be about 70 years from now) I'll have had much more joy than pain.

So, today, I choose to live.
I pray you choose that too.




  1. Sweetie I think you are amazing and Im so proud of you for how far you have come
    and Im thankful for that healing because you are so precious.

    With the voices
    I have struggled with negative voices in lots of different ways for about half my life
    I tried so many things to combat them but they often made little or no difference
    till last year

    I was at my group session and our therapist spoke on negative messages and said that we have been told them over and over again, given them in the way people have behaved and had them reinforced for a long time.
    She spoke about how difficult it would be to undo such messages because they have become beliefs.
    She recommended affirmations.
    Writing down new messages to combat the old negative ones and repeating them to ourselves over and over.
    Taking the time to look for reinforcement of those new messages in the world around us
    and in the same way we took on board the negative messages - so we take on the positive.

    It actually works
    it feels a bit cheesy sometimes
    and artificial in the beginning because I didnt really believe what I was telling myself
    but over the last year - repeating them over nad over - especially when the negative messages come, it helps. So maybe these might help you -

    My body is become healthy and that is so beautiful.

    I do not need to lose weight, my weight is within a clinically healthy range and that allows me to live the life I want to live.

    I wear clothes with confidence because they reflect my own unique style and personality.

    I am a strong, beautiful woman - a survivor - and when I doubt this I can be reminded of it by those who love me and whom I trust.

    I just wanted to give you a couple to fight the messages you mentioned - I hope it helps.

    Ooo and also I just got an awesome album last week that might help. Its Lisa Hunter 'Love yourself just as you are' - - check it out its the best album I bought in a long time, its uplifting and positive

    Love you lots angel
    sending cuddles xxx


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