More about life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and the girl behind the blog.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Eating Disoders Suck

Hello my wonderful followers,

So, I have many dear friends right now (you probably know who you are,) who are really struggling with ED thoughts and/or behaviours. They are so precious to me. It physically hurts for me to know that they're hurting. So, these are letters of encouragement to them.


Hello you beautiful woman. I just want to tell you how amazing you are. You are so wonderful. You're gorgeous, intelligent, strong, and utterly amazing. This eating disorder has got nothing on you. I sincerely believe that this is your time, and recovery is yours. I know that you're working your ass off, and I am so incredibly proud of you. You mean the world to me, and I truly believe that one day soon, we will be living the lives of freedom which me yearn for. I believe in you!

I love you so much!



You are perhaps the strongest woman I know. You have fought hard for every step you've walked towards "recovered, period." I know how potentially triggering things are right now for you. (I hope you know what I'm talking about- I don't want to give specifics on here.) I truly believe that the stuff that's gone on lately is just an obstacle that you have to overcome. I have complete faith that you'll get through it, and it will make you stronger than ever. I love you so much, and I have confidence in you. I believe that recovered, period is attainable, and you've shown me that. Thank you.



Love, I know how hard this is. You know I do. I've said everything I would write here to you before. So, I'll just say this. I believe in you. Something Nicole and Chebon always said to me was this- If you can't believe in you and your recovery right now, believe that I believe. Because I do. I believe.

I love you.



Hey darling. I have seen your struggle- the will to live a life of freedom, yet the eating disorder just won't let go. I know that God has a wonderful plan for you, and that He will guide you through this one step at a time if you call upon Him. He is almighty, and He will save you, just like He saves me every day. God never gives us more than we can handle. I have faith in you. I believe in you. Just like you always tell me- Recovery is yours! Believe it.

I love you!


Things are hard. Recovery is a bitch sometimes. I've been depressed lately. There will always be hard days in recovery. There will always be hard days when I'm recovered. It's part of life. Nothing meaningful in life is easy to get. That goes for everything, especially for eating disorder recovery. If it was a walk in the park, everyone would be recovered. It's not, and so every day I have to fight for that. Every day I have to listen to the voices in my head that scream, "Go back, Go back!" And every day I have to scream even louder, "No!" There is an actual dialogue that I say out loud. When I eat, and the voices in my head say, "time to purge," I say out loud, "No, this isn't happening to me. This is not an option." Something about confronting those voices out loud gives me strength. The voices are stuck in my head, they can't verbalize out loud what they're saying. I, on the other hand, can. And I do. It's very calming for me, realizing that I am indeed stronger than those damned voices in my head.

It's like they're playing on a cd on replay. Just like my OCD. The voices that make me obsessive and compulsive also scream at me to turn back. "Really. Is this all worth it? You could be numb. No fear, no feelings at all. Empty, in every sense of the word." It sounds good sometimes. My feelings are so intense. It was a prerequisite for me having an eating disorder. Feelings and emotions that are so intense that I feel like I'm drowning in them. They say that creative people often have that, and that's what makes them excel in their craft. I believe it. The intensity is a blessing and a curse. When I'm happy, it's this sense of incredible joy in my life; When I'm sad, I'm wracked with sorrow, covered in it, like it's a blanket that's been tied around me and I can't get out. There really isn't a middle ground for me without my medication, and sometimes it doesn't work anyways.

I know that only by living a life in recovery will the voices eventually die down for good. I'm waiting for that time anxiously. Until then, I fight. I fight with everything I have, no matter how tired I am, or how depressed I am. And today, like every day, I will fight hard as hell, because I will win. I might not win every battle, but I will win the war.




  1. yes recovery is a bitch!!!! but living with ED is so much worse.
    i love reading your blog and all ur thoughts its like reading my own.. but staci i am soooo proud of you for putting all of this out here and opening up and im soooooo proud of you for fighting so hard and kicking eds ass!!! you are def. winning this war! im so glad i get a chance to read this and be apart of your recovery.
    keep up the good work!
    thankyou.. you are so encouraging and helpful and reading ur blog helps keep me fighting.

    i love you girl
    Kristyn A

  2. I love you, Staci.
    I know this is hard, and you know what reassures me most.
    Is that you do have this conflict.
    For me, the real sign of recovery is that challenge.
    Is that you have this back and forth.
    It is in the fight.
    It is therefore "real."
    I love you, you will do this.
    You will.
    Mwaaah xxxxx

  3. You're right...the voices won't always be screaming...I tell myself that EVERYDAY! You are a fighter. I seriously admire you so much, my beautiful friend. Thanks for the personal encouragement to me. This is my time--it's YOUR TIME too. I believe that with everything in me. Depression sucks, but it does not dictate how we live our lives.
    keep living. keep shining.


Tell me.