More about life, love, the pursuit of happiness, and the girl behind the blog.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


So, I was thinking about my brother yesterday.
We are so incredibly different.

He's popular, outgoing and very self confident.
When I was his age, I was bullied, quiet, and had no
self esteem at all.

He has a girlfriend. He's twelve, so obviously it's
not a real girlfriend, but they talk and hang out and
all of that stuff.

I haven't had a real boyfriend in three years.
I'm not even sure if guys like me, matter of fact.

Sometimes I'm slightly jealous of the life he leads.

He's so... normal.

I was never normal.
I was bookish, brilliant, and misunderstood.

He has kids his age for friends.
I had my teachers for friends.

I never connected to people my age.
I was a 25 year old in a 9 year old's body.

This is a prime example of nurture vs. nature.

We were nurtured the same way
(except he was never abused)
but our nature is so very different.

I'm like my father.
Brilliant, introverted, uptight, and a temper to rival all tempers.

My brother is like my mom.
Laid back, mediocre in school, and incredibly extroverted.

He finds it so easy to show love.
I, however, do not.

I guess it's that he's never had love used against him as I have.
There's still time for that, I guess, but I hope it never happens.

I hope he never becomes as cynical and jaded as I am.

Mental illness is in his blood.
Every single person in my family has mental illness.

However, unlike myself, he doesn't currently display any signs of it.
When I was twelve, I already was self harming.
I had an eating disorder.
I could have already been diagnosed with major depression.

So, I have hope for him yet.

I pray that he is so much my opposite
that he doesn't even think of traveling down
the roads that I have.

I pray that he will live a happy, normal life.
That he will actually try in school,
go to college,
have great, lifetime friends,
get married,
and have children that don't resemble me, either.

I pray that he will find a passion,
and persue it steadfastly.

I pray for normalcy for him,
and I pray that he will love God and
keep Him close at all times.

I want so badly for him to make it through
this life happy. I want it for him so desperately.

I hope he does.

1 comment:

  1. keep fighting! it could be you that helps him if he stumbles and saves him from the heartache you've experienced that you so badly want him to avoid!

    and everyone has a story, stace. yours isn't your fault- but it WILL be your victory!

    remember- it's often the most incredible things about us that are perverted into disorders...we just have get them back in their original form...


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